What will be/what is happening .

I now live in Texas , I just got down here September 29th , 2010 .
Couldn't be happier , i'm starting this new life . Right now i'm living with my dad& will be until early January when I move in with my wonderful friend Kayla Edwards where I went to my program with for 3 years although she was only there for about the first year until she left . I haven't seen her in about 5 - 6 years . But I do know were going to be great together living with each other , we've done it once before & doing it once more (:
In a few days I will be flying to Lubbock, Texas from where I am which is Dallas, Texas . We have already picked the place we plan on staying , when I get there were supposed to be going to go look at it . I'm so happy that everything has fallen into place since i've moved here to Texas , all I was doing in Florida was fucking around not doing what i'm supposed to be doing . Once we get our place , I will be starting to get my g.e.d& i'm absolutely determined to finish within 2 months . I'm not to worried about it .
In April Kayla& I will be going to Florida to stay with my boyfriend Dillon's mother Barbra until the middle of May to hopefully bring Dillon back to Texas with us if he ends up not having after care when he gets out of his program . If so I have not decided what i'm doing yet . But I know everything will work out , it always ends up that way when me& Dillon are together . If in fact he does not have the after care when us three get back to Texas , i'm going to sign up for college the month afterwards . I'm not quite to sure what I want to get my degree in but i'm looking at being an ultra sound technician , dentist assistant , graphic designer , or a photographer . I really have yet to make up my mind but I know with any of them I would be happy doing & thats what matters .(:

Dillon S. Ryals .

God , where could I even begin ? You've made my life complete ,& I know thats a little extreme to be saying within only 8 months . But sometimes .. you just get that feeling where you know everything will work out for the best & sometimes I have that feeling like as if you were meant to be with me . & Everything that has happened to us , all fell in place . - Talking to you on myspace that night , meeting you the next day , & then where you were supposed to stay was in fact in my neighborhood but ended up staying with me instead . All of that , just doesn't happen all at once in a sudden of 2 days .
Even the first time I saw you , was the feeling I have now ,& it will never go away .
Your locked up right now , & your thousands of miles away .. but it doesn't keep me from loving you , it doesn't keep the feelings i've had for you for the 33 weeks , 234 days , 5616 hours ,& 20,217,600 seconds we've been together as today ; but who's counting <3(:
I know we've had our arguments ,& I'm aware we don't always agree on everything which is hardly ever . But we always seem to make up the next few hours , and to me thats what really matters . We clicked just like that when we met , we know what each others needs are , we just .. understand each other & I love it .
Our memories are unforgettable , especially the first week we were together , but every memory with you is my favorite . Nothing in me would ever want to trade what we have for something or somebody else . You are the one I want to truly be with for until that last breath I take on this earth .

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."  
-From the movie Annie

Shit I learned in Fl.

Well , first things first .. most of the time your "friends" aren't really your friends . At least the ones I met , but maybe that was because all of them would just come around if you had drugs or money . A lot of my "friends" taught me something tho & thats trust nobody & don't fear anybody . Even tho most were fake ,& used me i'm still thankful they taught me so much .. I spent so much of my time with them making money trying to impress them by getting them high , I didn't realize what the fuck I was really doing . 

About the whole doing pills all the time .. hmm .. I guess in a way you could say that i was trying to get out the easy way & escape reality , which is defiantly not the right way to do it . I have learned that life really is not that hard . Sure .. there are things you may not like about it . But life is a roller coaster & its never ending . 

"Sometimes your flush & sometimes your bust ,& when your up its never as good as it seems ,& when your down , you'll never think you'll be up again - but life goes on" - Fred Jung .

The people I have left in my life who have yet to prove me wrong , I cherish them . My lovely wife , Danii Lai& her mother Angel Christensen . My boyfriend , Dillon Ryals& his mother Barbra Davis . Kuzn , Chastity Moss . Best guy friend , Anthony Schiffer<3 [Locked up right now.) Friend , Annie Ivas . Friend , Kayla Edwards . My friends [the twins] Michelle Fry ,& Michelle Stook . Twin , Robert Remick . Friend , Lizzy Oleinik& the wonderful Joshua Parker with their child only to be here in a few days Jonah . Ex girlfriend/good friend now , Hailey Burke . Best friends , Tiffany Pinyard& Gabby Stiles<--[& ANYBODY who has anything bad to say about gabby shut your fucking mouth & stop judging people] . 

these are the people who have shown me , no matter what happens they will be here . As the same with me for them .. their ride or die FAM[ILoveYou) don't fuck with it . Their my life& keep me running .

& Btw - If your name is not on here , we may have amazing funny memories buttt .. it just means you haven't been there for me through just about everything when I need you . Dont take it to the head people (;

----->*
The past is good for two things: the happy memories, and the lessons it provides. Clinging to resentment and sadness for past events hurts one person the most: you. Don’t let the past suck the gift of the present out of you. Forgive. Let go. Be here now, and go forward.

Right Now & Then .

Right now , i'm finally starting coming to realization of what life really is , what love really is ,& what death really is .

I've recently moved back in with my father , i lived with my grandparents when they got custody of me for about 5 years coming back from a program for 3 years where my father put me .

-- before i came back to Texas ;

I was at Cal Farleys Girlstown U.S.A when my grandparents Sharon ,& Jeff lawson got custody of me , I was age 13 .

i started going to Azalea Middle School in the end of 7th grade around Feb. I found my first love , Sean Michael Krammer ..

he was my first kiss also . 

After summer came i went back to the same school , it was time for 8th grade . I also met a new girl named Gabby Stiles , we clicked the moment we talked , we were both outcasts so of course we got each other . Me & her soon became the best of friends , one friday she asked me if i wanted to go downtown& me not having any friends& wanting to go out& do shit .. i said yes . I went to downtown St. petersburg where all the creeps , the homeless , the prostitutes lay . There is a park down there thats named Straub Park & all the juggalos ,& goths hung out .. Gabby introduced me to a boy nicknamed Pyro , he asked if I ever smoked pot .. I said no , so he told me to come with him& I had no question I did . I ended up having a dime because i bought it from him , he rolled a pregnant joint , lit it ,& passed it . It was the best happy feeling I had in my life . Soon after Gabby's grandmother came & picked us up at 11 p.m .

& Every friday after that , thats where i was .. soon i started to fuck up my life slowly without me even noticing . I starting cutting myself worse then i had before in my program . It was the time we were taking FCAT , the teacher noticed I was doing & asked what I had , me not wanting to tell her she gave up because of my horrible attitude , she called staff .. I knew they were coming to get me .. great . So my friend Rachel was behind me i passed her all 4 of my blades & i had one left in my Hinder hoodie . Staff came & got me .. they searched me & there it was my rist cut up , down ,& across . They ended up calling Pehms which is a mental hospital thats local , I was only there for about 3 days . I HATED that place & swore i'd never go back .

After I got out nothing had changed with me besides the fact I got kicked out of my school . I still went downtown to get high . Shortly afterwards , I started to heavily drink . I started getting high & drunk now , at the time I thought it was great .. I was 14 now . Few months past ,& I was still doing everything I was before .. summer came& I started making new friends just about every weekend going to the "rock" downtown , I started to run away from home because I thought me "friends" were everything . My friend took me to a friend Michaels house , while i was there we would hang out with his friends that became mine shortly .. Andrew , Tommy , Larry , Cody ,& Joe . I met them one night while me & Michael were walking around in his neighborhood going to Shawns house , which was where they were coming from . They were all fucked up on street name CCC's aka cough & could medicine coricidin , they all looked as tho they were having the time of their lives . Shortly after a few days of hanging out with them , I ended up doing 8 of them .. it was my first tripping mind fuck experience . I dont remember one bit of it bt i remember that it was fun . So i kept doing them & after a while , maybe 2 or 3 weeks later i went home because I didn't want to be a run away anymore .. but I kept come'n back to the hood where they all stayed . Few months past & I had visited Texas to see my father , I came back to Florida with 500$ on me .. so I invited all of them to come over .. Tommy , Angela , Cody , Joe ,& a friend Justin came . Lets just say that was an epic night I could never forget thats in the past . 

Summer past & I had to go to a alternative school , it was called Oak Park . I was only in there for about a month until I got kicked out for never going . I told my truency officer i would sign up to a school called Pace it was also an alternative school .. I never went it was just a lie to not go to school for just a little bit longer & then I told them I would get home schooled , they believed it .. so my grandmother tried to homeschool me I refused to listen to her . Instead i looked forward to either hanging out with friends getting high or going downtown .

All this progressed to where i was doing pain & muscle relaxer pills "prescription drugs" . Summer of 08 had came& I looked forward not being bothered by anybody about school . I kept meeting new people more & more everyday hanging out with different groups ALL the time 24/7 . I eventually met a few people & will not mention names , I started up doing XTC , acid ,& coke in between . Summer had past & I still was not going to school until around November . Lealman Intermediate Middle - grade 8.5 [8th grade first semester & 9th 2nd .] At first I didn't talk to anybody until a boy named Sirus came up to me & started talking to me & then i met everybody & became really good friends with a female Lexie .. we became really close she would either stay with me at her house , or i'd stay with her at her dads . We would take up to 50 ccc's day & one day we got caught at school because we were giving a friend some in the boys bathroom & somebody snitched & they found one pill on the ground .. they searched me .. & found them . 2 Weeks past by , we were making our tolerance higher & higher each day . 

One night we had taken up to 100 & something , I had a seizure . It was one of the worst experiences i've ever had . After that I had made a vow I would never do them again . & I did any way .. I believe it was still summer& i had been doing them with an ex boyfriend of mine which is actually now my best friend ; Anthony James- I love you ,& i'll be here for you when you get out . LET MY BOO GO! <3 anyway , I was at my friends house Tommy the one I was doing with them a year ago , he had stopped& saw that I was doing them still . He took them from me & told me to stop them+ promise i wouldn't   do so , i kept my promise . Things started getting better .. I was down to just smoking marijuana steadily(; & poppin' a bean & maybe shrooms here and there .. School started for everybody else , but I dropped out because Lealman had fucked me over & put me back in 9th grade & I knew i was better then that . So I said fuck it i'm not going to school anymore . I had just turned 16 , everything was fine .. i stopped running away& shit . But one night i decided i was going to go see a few friends up in seminole , we thought that breaking into cars & stealing anything valuable would be fun & we could make money off of it . HAH! So we ended up getting caught ,& well you get the point . I got sentenced a year on probation , Drug tests , curfew& alot of community service . They never really drug tested me so I just kept smoking . Finally they did a few months before i was supposed to be getting off .. I passed tho because I used someone else's urine . She suspected something but did not say anything . I started fucking up once again by going out & not going home , my grandmother started calling me in saying I was violating . So Karen Popkowski [probation officer] gave me another test .. mind you my grandmother was the one getting the urine from someone for me [ she wants me to delete this because she doesn't want to get into trouble which she wouldn't , or look bad in font of her friends so she deleted me off face book , but thats fine with me . I don't care how she feels , i'm the one who got into trouble for it ] .. SO i had a bad feeling about it but she made me do it anyway so SHE wouldn't get into trouble herself& not make herself look bad . Bullshit right ? - Okay , so she did catch me doing it because she wanted to watch me . So I violated , she set up a court date .. I ran to my homeboy Tommy's or my homegirls Hayley's house & stayed there .. started to get real fucked up on bars because I started to talk to a really sweet guy Josh Grahm & he would give me anything my little heart desired when I didn't even ask for it . While this was happening I was messing around With Andrew , we weren't anything serious tho .. months past& I turned myself into JDC [juvenile detention center] I went in for 2 days & i got set up with a court date & a staffing .. they told me I would be going to a low level outdoor program called outward bound . It was an experience ,& I ended up loving being there actually . It was just like boot camp almost but funner , just as much work tho . Anyway , I got out & went back over to Tommy's [wasn't doing any kind've drug whatsoever.] One night I couldn't sleep so , I got online with my phone & saw that there was a really cute as boy online & I just had to meet him .. so I started to talk to him asking if he wanted to chill . He told me he lived in T.C (town& county) so .. I went to sleep & woke up a few hours later . Told my grandma to come get me & she did . I needed to get cleaned up& shit for him because I had been at Tommy's for about a week straight . My uncle owed me a favor for something I had done for him so I called him up & told him what my favor was . He said "I'll be there in 20 minutes." It was an hour drive , I got there .. my heart instantly dropped how gorgeous he was , his name was Dillon& I just had to make him mine . We were at James' house with his sister Michelle & their mother . I brought some bud because he asked me to bring some , he rolled it in a joint .. we smoked it & him+ James decided they were going to go steal some liquor from the store . When they came back they started drinking& what not , all 3 of them . I decided not to drink , I had a bad feeling about it . So they were just about done with the bottle .. when Steve , James' momma's boyfriend flipped shit on James about stealing his gun but James denied it & told Steve to do something about it .. so Steve came after James . Point blank James beat his ass . Dillon & James had to go because Steve had called the cops so I went with , helping Dillon walk because he was drunk & i wanted to hold him .(: 

So we walked around the trailer park for about 10 minutes before James said we should just go to this guys' trailer Matt , we cut through all the trailers to the guys house .. James went inside explaining to Matt what happened & asking if we could come in . While we were waiting , Dillon kissed me& I swear I have never felt like that in my life once by just a kiss (let me remind you I have never met him in my life & this is the first day we met) so James came back out saying we could for a little bit . Michelle came in after about 20 minutes because the cops had stopped her while she was looking for us worried& asked where she lived & she told them Matts trailer . They dropped her off& since cops were so hot on the block Matt didn't want to get caught holding James for battery [that just happened] ,& Dillon for a warrant . So Matt told them they had to go so they were going to go a guy named Skiddy or who ever's house . Hours later they called from that guys number & we let them know Steve had gone to sleep so we could go back& James+ Michelle's mom would sneak us all in . We went back over there to their trailer . Me , Dillon ,& James were on James' bed while Michelle was on the floor .. me& Dillon were non-stop going at it . We ended up sleeping with each other<3 . That morning , Steve went to work& James' Sister said him+ Dillon could stay with her& it just so happened that she lived in my neighborhood in St. Petersburg so I got us a ride , Dillon ended up staying with me& living with me for 2 - 3 months . I fell in love with him ,& knew he would be the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with . One day we ended up going to walmart & me+ him got caught stealing .. well he did , I was just with him . They figured out he had a warrant for his arrest & had a warrant for 3& a half months . So before we got separated it was his first time saying he loved me & he was sent to JDC that night .. I cried my whole way home when my grandmother came to pick me up . Right when i got home .. I left , I didn't give a fuck & I wanted to get fucked up somehow because i was just that upset & I used to break down & want to do some shit because of it . So I went to my Wife's[Danii Lai<3] house she had a few friends come over & smoke with me . & I went to my friend's house & ended up doing just about 3 grams of cocaine to myself .. little did I know that Dillon had tried to call this whole time while i'm gone , i had gotten home earlier the next morning after I did all that shit . Right when I walked in the house, he was calling my grandma to talk to me , the happiness I felt just to hear his voice is unexplainable . 

He ended up only doing 3-4 days & he got sent to his old foster care which was in tampa . But at least he was able to call me 1-2 times a day for at least 15 - 20 minutes . A few weeks past by & he was aloud to go out for 3 hours without staff , by this time Michelle had gotten her own place so I stayed the night before & saw him that day .(: Afterwards he had his boy get me a nic before he had to get picked up because I had some money left over from me bringing to spend on him . So I called up my grandma & told her I needed a ride home so she called Kuzn's[Chastity Moss] boyfriend Josh to come get me & she gave him gas money & I smoked that blunt with him on that ride home because there was traffic . Soon Dillon could have more hours to go out & shit so I would give someone 20$ to go get him & take him back when he needed to be there . This went on for about a month & a half until i started staying over at Michelle's or a friend Brittany's house , I couldn't keep coming up with 20$ everyday . So we would see each other everyday finally again . I just missed him being next to me while i sleep . another month past by & now it was July . July 30th was the last day I got to spend with him when  I got a phone call that he was getting arrested for stealing an Iphone touch from bush gardens . He had court a few days later , they sentenced him to a 9 month program . I cried so many tears in that court room when I heard those words , or it might have been my hormones .. 2 weeks later I found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant . I swear I could've been the happiest person on earth when the Dr. told me . I called Dillon's mother Barbra to tell her the news ,& she too was happy about it . Although Dillon was gone , I still had a piece of him in me& thats what kept me not as depressed that the love of my life had to do 9 months . It was now September 1st. 2010 . My birthday was in 7 days ,& I didn't do jack shit . I didn't want to do anything but stay home & write him . I'm basically addicted to writing him , lol . A few weeks went past & I decided what would be best for me+ OUR baby would be to move to Texas , so I wanted to see everybody that was important to me . I went to Wife's house & spent a week there in Hudson, Fl. she came back with me to stay one more night    with me& chill with her friend Hunter D. both stayed the night at my house . The next morning Hunter left ,& Wife was going to leave to .. so I gave her me& Dillon's kitten because I wanted her to be with someone that i know that would give her the love+ attention she really needed while we were both gone . My grandmother kicked me out because of it & called the cops . I wasn't aloud to come back home or she would set me up (not going into details how, if you know me, you know) so I went to the Beach with two of my really good friends Hailey& Tonio . I was going to stay the night at Hailey's but  I just felt like I wanted time to myself so I called my father & he got me a hotel after I walked 50 blocks . Few days later he was in Florida & we got all my stuff that my grandmother had put on the porch in the pouring rain . That night I was With my lil' brother[lil man a.k.a zach] & his brother . Josh his brother was driving , we got into a horrible accident because another person from New York decided to run a red light going about 60 mph . Everybody was fine , the car was not drivable afterwards tho. I went to the hospital that morning just to make sure me & Dillon's child was okay , they told me i was 8& a half weeks pregnant & everything was healthy with me& our baby . The next day me& my father flew out to Texas . A week later while I was with a female friend of mine on the corner by my house , when I felt something warm .. I quickly ran home to see if it was blood which it was . I quickly went to the E.R , they told me everything was fine & said i was just 8 weeks .. [thats what they said a week & a half ago when i went in Fl.] I didn't say anything tho because I was just to happy that our child was fine although I was now on high risk for miscarry . So Another week had past by & everything was fine , no bleeding or anything .. then the next thing i know .. well you get the point . I had to once again go back to the E.R to only be told my baby stopped growing at 8 weeks & i miscarried . Even though I had prepared for it , I didn't enough to where I didn't come back home not crying . As soon as i came home , I made myself a vodka& juice . It has been about 2 weeks now since this has happened , everyday i heal from it . I know that when Dillon gets out there is plenty more days to come for us to have a child together . 

& there is more parts of my life , I just don't think is worth mentioning , so .

but to everybody that has read this , thank you for your time .