I've recently moved back in with my father , i lived with my grandparents when they got custody of me for about 5 years coming back from a program for 3 years where my father put me .
-- before i came back to Texas ;
I was at Cal Farleys Girlstown U.S.A when my grandparents Sharon ,& Jeff lawson got custody of me , I was age 13 .
i started going to Azalea Middle School in the end of 7th grade around Feb. I found my first love , Sean Michael Krammer ..
he was my first kiss also .
After summer came i went back to the same school , it was time for 8th grade . I also met a new girl named Gabby Stiles , we clicked the moment we talked , we were both outcasts so of course we got each other . Me & her soon became the best of friends , one friday she asked me if i wanted to go downtown& me not having any friends& wanting to go out& do shit .. i said yes . I went to downtown St. petersburg where all the creeps , the homeless , the prostitutes lay . There is a park down there thats named Straub Park & all the juggalos ,& goths hung out .. Gabby introduced me to a boy nicknamed Pyro , he asked if I ever smoked pot .. I said no , so he told me to come with him& I had no question I did . I ended up having a dime because i bought it from him , he rolled a pregnant joint , lit it ,& passed it . It was the best happy feeling I had in my life . Soon after Gabby's grandmother came & picked us up at 11 p.m .
& Every friday after that , thats where i was .. soon i started to fuck up my life slowly without me even noticing . I starting cutting myself worse then i had before in my program . It was the time we were taking FCAT , the teacher noticed I was doing & asked what I had , me not wanting to tell her she gave up because of my horrible attitude , she called staff .. I knew they were coming to get me .. great . So my friend Rachel was behind me i passed her all 4 of my blades & i had one left in my Hinder hoodie . Staff came & got me .. they searched me & there it was my rist cut up , down ,& across . They ended up calling Pehms which is a mental hospital thats local , I was only there for about 3 days . I HATED that place & swore i'd never go back .
After I got out nothing had changed with me besides the fact I got kicked out of my school . I still went downtown to get high . Shortly afterwards , I started to heavily drink . I started getting high & drunk now , at the time I thought it was great .. I was 14 now . Few months past ,& I was still doing everything I was before .. summer came& I started making new friends just about every weekend going to the "rock" downtown , I started to run away from home because I thought me "friends" were everything . My friend took me to a friend Michaels house , while i was there we would hang out with his friends that became mine shortly .. Andrew , Tommy , Larry , Cody ,& Joe . I met them one night while me & Michael were walking around in his neighborhood going to Shawns house , which was where they were coming from . They were all fucked up on street name CCC's aka cough & could medicine coricidin , they all looked as tho they were having the time of their lives . Shortly after a few days of hanging out with them , I ended up doing 8 of them .. it was my first tripping mind fuck experience . I dont remember one bit of it bt i remember that it was fun . So i kept doing them & after a while , maybe 2 or 3 weeks later i went home because I didn't want to be a run away anymore .. but I kept come'n back to the hood where they all stayed . Few months past & I had visited Texas to see my father , I came back to Florida with 500$ on me .. so I invited all of them to come over .. Tommy , Angela , Cody , Joe ,& a friend Justin came . Lets just say that was an epic night I could never forget thats in the past .
Summer past & I had to go to a alternative school , it was called Oak Park . I was only in there for about a month until I got kicked out for never going . I told my truency officer i would sign up to a school called Pace it was also an alternative school .. I never went it was just a lie to not go to school for just a little bit longer & then I told them I would get home schooled , they believed it .. so my grandmother tried to homeschool me I refused to listen to her . Instead i looked forward to either hanging out with friends getting high or going downtown .
All this progressed to where i was doing pain & muscle relaxer pills "prescription drugs" . Summer of 08 had came& I looked forward not being bothered by anybody about school . I kept meeting new people more & more everyday hanging out with different groups ALL the time 24/7 . I eventually met a few people & will not mention names , I started up doing XTC , acid ,& coke in between . Summer had past & I still was not going to school until around November . Lealman Intermediate Middle - grade 8.5 [8th grade first semester & 9th 2nd .] At first I didn't talk to anybody until a boy named Sirus came up to me & started talking to me & then i met everybody & became really good friends with a female Lexie .. we became really close she would either stay with me at her house , or i'd stay with her at her dads . We would take up to 50 ccc's day & one day we got caught at school because we were giving a friend some in the boys bathroom & somebody snitched & they found one pill on the ground .. they searched me .. & found them . 2 Weeks past by , we were making our tolerance higher & higher each day .
One night we had taken up to 100 & something , I had a seizure . It was one of the worst experiences i've ever had . After that I had made a vow I would never do them again . & I did any way .. I believe it was still summer& i had been doing them with an ex boyfriend of mine which is actually now my best friend ; Anthony James- I love you ,& i'll be here for you when you get out . LET MY BOO GO! <3 anyway , I was at my friends house Tommy the one I was doing with them a year ago , he had stopped& saw that I was doing them still . He took them from me & told me to stop them+ promise i wouldn't do so , i kept my promise . Things started getting better .. I was down to just smoking marijuana steadily(; & poppin' a bean & maybe shrooms here and there .. School started for everybody else , but I dropped out because Lealman had fucked me over & put me back in 9th grade & I knew i was better then that . So I said fuck it i'm not going to school anymore . I had just turned 16 , everything was fine .. i stopped running away& shit . But one night i decided i was going to go see a few friends up in seminole , we thought that breaking into cars & stealing anything valuable would be fun & we could make money off of it . HAH! So we ended up getting caught ,& well you get the point . I got sentenced a year on probation , Drug tests , curfew& alot of community service . They never really drug tested me so I just kept smoking . Finally they did a few months before i was supposed to be getting off .. I passed tho because I used someone else's urine . She suspected something but did not say anything . I started fucking up once again by going out & not going home , my grandmother started calling me in saying I was violating . So Karen Popkowski [probation officer] gave me another test .. mind you my grandmother was the one getting the urine from someone for me [ she wants me to delete this because she doesn't want to get into trouble which she wouldn't , or look bad in font of her friends so she deleted me off face book , but thats fine with me . I don't care how she feels , i'm the one who got into trouble for it ] .. SO i had a bad feeling about it but she made me do it anyway so SHE wouldn't get into trouble herself& not make herself look bad . Bullshit right ? - Okay , so she did catch me doing it because she wanted to watch me . So I violated , she set up a court date .. I ran to my homeboy Tommy's or my homegirls Hayley's house & stayed there .. started to get real fucked up on bars because I started to talk to a really sweet guy Josh Grahm & he would give me anything my little heart desired when I didn't even ask for it . While this was happening I was messing around With Andrew , we weren't anything serious tho .. months past& I turned myself into JDC [juvenile detention center] I went in for 2 days & i got set up with a court date & a staffing .. they told me I would be going to a low level outdoor program called outward bound . It was an experience ,& I ended up loving being there actually . It was just like boot camp almost but funner , just as much work tho . Anyway , I got out & went back over to Tommy's [wasn't doing any kind've drug whatsoever.] One night I couldn't sleep so , I got online with my phone & saw that there was a really cute as boy online & I just had to meet him .. so I started to talk to him asking if he wanted to chill . He told me he lived in T.C (town& county) so .. I went to sleep & woke up a few hours later . Told my grandma to come get me & she did . I needed to get cleaned up& shit for him because I had been at Tommy's for about a week straight . My uncle owed me a favor for something I had done for him so I called him up & told him what my favor was . He said "I'll be there in 20 minutes." It was an hour drive , I got there .. my heart instantly dropped how gorgeous he was , his name was Dillon& I just had to make him mine . We were at James' house with his sister Michelle & their mother . I brought some bud because he asked me to bring some , he rolled it in a joint .. we smoked it & him+ James decided they were going to go steal some liquor from the store . When they came back they started drinking& what not , all 3 of them . I decided not to drink , I had a bad feeling about it . So they were just about done with the bottle .. when Steve , James' momma's boyfriend flipped shit on James about stealing his gun but James denied it & told Steve to do something about it .. so Steve came after James . Point blank James beat his ass . Dillon & James had to go because Steve had called the cops so I went with , helping Dillon walk because he was drunk & i wanted to hold him .(:
So we walked around the trailer park for about 10 minutes before James said we should just go to this guys' trailer Matt , we cut through all the trailers to the guys house .. James went inside explaining to Matt what happened & asking if we could come in . While we were waiting , Dillon kissed me& I swear I have never felt like that in my life once by just a kiss (let me remind you I have never met him in my life & this is the first day we met) so James came back out saying we could for a little bit . Michelle came in after about 20 minutes because the cops had stopped her while she was looking for us worried& asked where she lived & she told them Matts trailer . They dropped her off& since cops were so hot on the block Matt didn't want to get caught holding James for battery [that just happened] ,& Dillon for a warrant . So Matt told them they had to go so they were going to go a guy named Skiddy or who ever's house . Hours later they called from that guys number & we let them know Steve had gone to sleep so we could go back& James+ Michelle's mom would sneak us all in . We went back over there to their trailer . Me , Dillon ,& James were on James' bed while Michelle was on the floor .. me& Dillon were non-stop going at it . We ended up sleeping with each other<3 . That morning , Steve went to work& James' Sister said him+ Dillon could stay with her& it just so happened that she lived in my neighborhood in St. Petersburg so I got us a ride , Dillon ended up staying with me& living with me for 2 - 3 months . I fell in love with him ,& knew he would be the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with . One day we ended up going to walmart & me+ him got caught stealing .. well he did , I was just with him . They figured out he had a warrant for his arrest & had a warrant for 3& a half months . So before we got separated it was his first time saying he loved me & he was sent to JDC that night .. I cried my whole way home when my grandmother came to pick me up . Right when i got home .. I left , I didn't give a fuck & I wanted to get fucked up somehow because i was just that upset & I used to break down & want to do some shit because of it . So I went to my Wife's[Danii Lai<3] house she had a few friends come over & smoke with me . & I went to my friend's house & ended up doing just about 3 grams of cocaine to myself .. little did I know that Dillon had tried to call this whole time while i'm gone , i had gotten home earlier the next morning after I did all that shit . Right when I walked in the house, he was calling my grandma to talk to me , the happiness I felt just to hear his voice is unexplainable .
He ended up only doing 3-4 days & he got sent to his old foster care which was in tampa . But at least he was able to call me 1-2 times a day for at least 15 - 20 minutes . A few weeks past by & he was aloud to go out for 3 hours without staff , by this time Michelle had gotten her own place so I stayed the night before & saw him that day .(: Afterwards he had his boy get me a nic before he had to get picked up because I had some money left over from me bringing to spend on him . So I called up my grandma & told her I needed a ride home so she called Kuzn's[Chastity Moss] boyfriend Josh to come get me & she gave him gas money & I smoked that blunt with him on that ride home because there was traffic . Soon Dillon could have more hours to go out & shit so I would give someone 20$ to go get him & take him back when he needed to be there . This went on for about a month & a half until i started staying over at Michelle's or a friend Brittany's house , I couldn't keep coming up with 20$ everyday . So we would see each other everyday finally again . I just missed him being next to me while i sleep . another month past by & now it was July . July 30th was the last day I got to spend with him when I got a phone call that he was getting arrested for stealing an Iphone touch from bush gardens . He had court a few days later , they sentenced him to a 9 month program . I cried so many tears in that court room when I heard those words , or it might have been my hormones .. 2 weeks later I found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant . I swear I could've been the happiest person on earth when the Dr. told me . I called Dillon's mother Barbra to tell her the news ,& she too was happy about it . Although Dillon was gone , I still had a piece of him in me& thats what kept me not as depressed that the love of my life had to do 9 months . It was now September 1st. 2010 . My birthday was in 7 days ,& I didn't do jack shit . I didn't want to do anything but stay home & write him . I'm basically addicted to writing him , lol . A few weeks went past & I decided what would be best for me+ OUR baby would be to move to Texas , so I wanted to see everybody that was important to me . I went to Wife's house & spent a week there in Hudson, Fl. she came back with me to stay one more night with me& chill with her friend Hunter D. both stayed the night at my house . The next morning Hunter left ,& Wife was going to leave to .. so I gave her me& Dillon's kitten because I wanted her to be with someone that i know that would give her the love+ attention she really needed while we were both gone . My grandmother kicked me out because of it & called the cops . I wasn't aloud to come back home or she would set me up (not going into details how, if you know me, you know) so I went to the Beach with two of my really good friends Hailey& Tonio . I was going to stay the night at Hailey's but I just felt like I wanted time to myself so I called my father & he got me a hotel after I walked 50 blocks . Few days later he was in Florida & we got all my stuff that my grandmother had put on the porch in the pouring rain . That night I was With my lil' brother[lil man a.k.a zach] & his brother . Josh his brother was driving , we got into a horrible accident because another person from New York decided to run a red light going about 60 mph . Everybody was fine , the car was not drivable afterwards tho. I went to the hospital that morning just to make sure me & Dillon's child was okay , they told me i was 8& a half weeks pregnant & everything was healthy with me& our baby . The next day me& my father flew out to Texas . A week later while I was with a female friend of mine on the corner by my house , when I felt something warm .. I quickly ran home to see if it was blood which it was . I quickly went to the E.R , they told me everything was fine & said i was just 8 weeks .. [thats what they said a week & a half ago when i went in Fl.] I didn't say anything tho because I was just to happy that our child was fine although I was now on high risk for miscarry . So Another week had past by & everything was fine , no bleeding or anything .. then the next thing i know .. well you get the point . I had to once again go back to the E.R to only be told my baby stopped growing at 8 weeks & i miscarried . Even though I had prepared for it , I didn't enough to where I didn't come back home not crying . As soon as i came home , I made myself a vodka& juice . It has been about 2 weeks now since this has happened , everyday i heal from it . I know that when Dillon gets out there is plenty more days to come for us to have a child together .
& there is more parts of my life , I just don't think is worth mentioning , so .
but to everybody that has read this , thank you for your time .
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